Blogs

Pin your tail on the Donkey

This story is one of the most bizarre and disturbing I have ever come across (see link to report here)

We’ve all heard of someone who tells a story about someone who’s related to someone, who knows someone, who’s heard from their friend, that someone they know once rubbed peanut butter on a “certain place” and let their dog lick it off.

We’ve all heard the tale. Please don’t act like you haven’t.

As weird and as sick as those stories are, (not to mention illegal), they pale in comparison to this one.

The crux of this sordid tale is this – 15 people from a rural village in Morocco have been treated in hospital for Rabies after having sex with an infected donkey.

Yes, you read that right.

But that’s not the strangest part. The age range of these Rabies-infected Donkey-Botherers?

7-15 years old.

Yes, 7-15.

My kids are far from perfect; one thinks he’s a YouTube Gamer-vid star, (even though he doesn’t have a YouTube account) and the other thinks he’s Lightening McQueen. Stick a donkey in front of them and they’re more likely to try and show it how to play Rocket League or Call of Duty rather than shag it.

7 years old? The ones over 13 I can kind of understand; whether they should or not, at least they’ll know what sex is and what it’s purpose is to a certain extent. But the under 13’s? I shudder to think .

The parents of these absolute numbskulls are said to be “ashamed” and “embarrassed” of the incident.

I think that’s the least they should be feeling don’t you?

The poor donkey involved in this ordeal ended up being euthanized in order to prevent the spread of Rabies further. Never mind getting raped by the Moroccan version of the Droogs, the poor animal then got the equivalent of a shovel to the back of the neck for it’s troubles.

So, the next time you’re worrying about the amount of time your kids are spending playing on video games, just be thankful they’re not shagging an animal.

Goodbye for now, I’m off to do some grocery shopping….we keep running out of peanut butter for some reason…

RANT OVER

 

 

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Lady in a Pickle

I’m always glad when people realise they’ve been making poor life choices. It gives hope to the normal people out there who pour scorn on the Hipsters who think acting like a sideshow attraction somehow makes you “edgy” or “interesting”.

It doesn’t.

I came across a story about “The Pickle Lady” the other day and, apart from it having an amazing title, it showed that there is still hope out there for some.

The Pickled Lady in question is a Contortionist by the name of Steph Mercury, and, as you might be able to guess from her stage name, squeezes herself into a 2ft jar; sometimes for almost 20 minutes at a time. (I bet it’s lovely inside there after that amount of time….) She performs her act at the “Circus of Horrors”, the modern day version of a Circus that appeals to the Hipster brigade as it “pushes boundaries” and is a little out of left-field. Gone are the Happy Clowns with confetti in their buckets, only to be replaced Pennywise the Clown wannabes and guys shoving serrated blades through their cheeks.

clown

I know, I know, people have been doing weird and wacky stuff in Circuses for a long time, but come on! A jar? Has she never read Ray Bradbury? (By the way if you haven’t you really should – click here) She’s not a bloody Octopus!

It seems the need to perform her Pickled Lady act to the 3/4 length pants wearing masses doesn’t outweigh her need to not be “covered from head to foot in bruises” every night, and frankly, looking like a drowned rat in a leotard.  Thankfully Ms. Mercury has decided to quit living life like a mollusc and has decided to become an “Aerial Artist” instead. And good on her I say; as far as Circus careers go, a Trapeze Artist is a respectable career choice. It’s a throwback to the good old days of the Circus when there wasn’t the need to dismember your body to please the crowd.

Saying that, she’ll probably have to do it with no net, blindfolded, juggling babies, carrying flaming chainsaws to get a reaction out of people these days……

Rant Over

 

 

 

 

Heather Heyer – a needless death

No matter your views on why the Charlottesville rally happened or who was to blame for the violence, there’s one thing that we know for certain.

Heather Heyer was murdered because she had different beliefs than her killer.

Heather went to Charlottesville to counter-protest the White Nationalists who themselves, were protesting the removal of a Robert E Lee statue.

And now she is dead.

A scumbag, detestable, White Nationalist moron ran his car through a crowd in the deliberate act of aiming to kill people he didn’t agree with.

And he succeeded.

White Nationalists, and any other group of people who use their race and beliefs as an excuse to hate others and espouse theirs views on other people are the lowest form of scum that exist. For there to still be racist people in this day and age, the 21st century, is beyond my comprehension.

It really is time for this to stop.

Two sets of beliefs came together on the day of Heather’s death-

Heather believed that people should come together and fight injustice and racism.

James Fields Jr. believed that he had the moral right to kill somebody that didn’t believe the same principles as himself.

You can disagree with somebody all you like, but to kill somebody because they don’t believe the same things as you is abhorrent. I’d like to think that everybody else agrees with that.

The sad thing is I don’t think they do.

Heather Heyer’s death was needless

And that is why a line needs to be drawn and people, no matter your political affiliation, need to unite and put a stop to this entire “It’s your fault”/”No, it’s your fault” rhetoric that is threatening to divide the entire world.

Her last social media post was this –

“If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.”

Nazis, White Supremacist, Racial discriminators –

Pay attention – we are ALL outraged.

 

 

 

Joggers have rights too

I’m sure you’ve heard about the “Demon Jogger of Putney Bridge” by now. (if you haven’t, get out from under your rock and click the link)  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-london-40860045/putney-bridge-cctv-of-jogger-pushing-woman-in-front-of-bus

First off, I hope the Lady involved is OK and that the Bus Driver gets the recognition he deserves for his timely actions.

The Jogger on the other hand…

This absolutely insanely self-important prick has confirmed a suspicion I have had for a while now-

Most Joggers have serious issues. (MOST- not ALL)

I, like a lot of people, like to “People Watch” and living beside a Cycleway which is used by literally hundreds of Joggers everyday, has afforded me the ability to be able to study this growing phenomenon in close detail (I realise this makes me sound like a “peeping Tom” but I assure you I’m not; I very rarely touch myself while doing it…)

What I have noticed is this – Joggers can be extremely aggressive.

Don’t you DARE step in front of them when they’re running up behind you and you’re unaware they are there.

Don’t you DARE have a Pushchair or Pram (or God forbid a double buggy); you take up too much room

Don’t you DARE have a dog on a leash (or so help me God, not on one)

And don’t you DARE use the footpath to take your kids to school. Yes, I’m talking to all 200 parents taking their kids to the school that the footpath goes past.

Do any of these things, and you set yourself up for any of the following, all of which I have witnessed first-hand-

Verbal abuse

Being spat on

Having water thrown on you

Being physically attacked

Being run-over by a Jogger-Mom with a sports buggy (containing a petrified child)

I kid you not. This happens all of the time and no, I’m not exaggerating.

And this is in the suburbs! Wait until you get into the city where the real action happens.

What happened on Putney Bridge while shocking, really wasn’t that surprising. As self-entitlement goes up among the population, so do the amount of instances like this; people want what they want, and dammit they’re going to get it, no matter what the cost.

It’s just another day on the path to entitlement.

Don’t get in the way or you WILL be thrown under the bus.

Literally.

RANT OVER

@rantsen_things

Returning the Wave – Driving basics

Driving really is one of the most stressful things you can do on a daily basis, so it absolutely baffles me why people make it harder than it already is.

I’m not talking about the big things like talking on your mobile or tail-gating, (both of which I’ve been guilty of in the past)

No, I’m talking about the following –

Returning the wave

There are too many people who don’t return the wave.

You know who you are.

And you sicken me.

This is how it should work – you stop to give right of way at one of those traffic calming measures, the car with right of way goes first and gives a wave of thanks to you, and then you MUST, MUST return that wave. The return wave is even more important than the original wave of thanks as it is acknowledging the thanks given by the other driver.

“But I’m the one who stopped and Gave Way; why should I wave thanks?” I hear you say.

The reason you return the wave is really quite simple. We live in a shitty, self-absorbed world. Manners and pleasant behaviour to one another really is on the decline. By waving back to someone who says thanks to you is really like saying “No problem” or “fuggedabowdid” (that’s a Mickey Blue Eyes reference for those who don’t get it…).

It’s nice to acknowledge someone’s manners as it shows that both people involved care about manners. Too often do I see people act very non-chalantly where politeness is concerned; it’s like the hipster-norm to ignore somebody saying thank you and continuing to read your book about 18th century blanket stitching techniques, rather than just saying “you’re welcome”.
It really is just about the little things.

So next time somebody thanks you for doing something, just acknowledge it. It’s nice to be nice.

If, on the other hand, someone doesn’t reply to you, then you are well within your rights to give them the finger, scream obscenities and jump out of your car and knock off their wing mirrors.

Remember: be nice.

Rant over

Check me out on twitter at @rantsen_things

 

 

 

Gluten free – my arse

Without sounding too much like somebody’s Great Uncle….

When I was a lad, practically nobody had food allergens.

Sure, you’d have the one diabetic kid at school who was allowed jelly and ice cream every single day (“god, it’s so unfair”….) but apart from that, nobody had any issues.

Fast forward 30 years and all of a sudden everyone is on the verge of anaphylactic shock if they so much as look at a slice of bread.

What the hell happened?!

It seems that everyone and their bloody dog is “allergic” to something these days. You’ll notice I used quotation marks on the word allergic, and for good reason.

I don’t believe about 95% of the people who claim to be allergic to gluten.

There, I’ve said it.

 

I used to be a Chef. During this period of my life I witnessed first-hand the gradual rise in fake allergens. What used to be a simple act of a Server bringing a check into the Kitchen and hurrying out in case they got shouted at for simply doing their job, (“more checks?! I’m not here to cook you know!”) turned into the Server nervously hanging around the Pass to explain that the Customer has an allergy of sorts. This rose from once a night-ish to approximately 10 times and upwards a night in what seemed like a dramatically short period of time.

What really got my attention to the fact that it’s mostly fake is this exchange that would happen between myself and the Server, probably nine times out ten-

Server- “Chef this Customer says they are allergic to Gluten.”

Me- “But they’ve ordered Tagliatelle! Do they know it contains Gluten?”

Server- “I’ll go and check.”

2 minutes later….

Server- “They said it’s fine as long as they don’t have too much”

To which I would respond by refusing to cook the order at all until they a) chose something else without gluten, or b) admitted that they weren’t allergic to it in the first place and apologised for being an annoying, fad-following, hipster-wannabe, special little cupcake who demands attention by trying to be quirky, different and needy.

(Oh what a joy I was to work with!)

People with Coeliac disease can’t eat Gluten.

People with Gluten allergies can’t eat Gluten.

People who can eat “a little bit” or “not too much” are neither of these things. They CHOOSE not to eat Gluten.

They are people who, for one reason or another, just want to be different or difficult and who insist on being given special treatment like the entitled little brats that they are. If you don’t want to eat Gluten then please say so; don’t lie and say you’re Gluten intolerant or allergic to Gluten.

Image result for entitlement funny pics

 

I blame the ridiculous amount of fad-ish diets that were all the rage in the late nineties and early 2000’s, and, the self-centred, entitled generation that are the children of the followers of such idiotic trends as the Atkins diet.

So, in summing up.

Tell the truth.

Nobody cares if you don’t want to eat Gluten, but they do care if you lie about the reason.

Being Coeliac must be a nightmare, and people claiming to have issues are watering down the reality of sufferers.

You’re not allergic to Gluten.

You’re not special.

You’re just an entitled, self important knobhead.

You’re just like the other 95% of the population.

Get over it.

RANT OVER

 

 

Let the ranting begin!

I like to complain about stuff.

Quite a lot actually.

It’s not that I’m trying to be a negative person or a pain in the arse, ( I am both of those things but it’s involuntary) it’s just that I tend to get wound up by a lot of things happening in today’s society. So much so that I need to vent and let it all out to the first person I see; whether that person is my wife, my neighbour or a crowded bus.

I need a release.

But instead of just ranting and moving on, I also want to try and solve, or at least lessen these issues, or maybe even find out if they are issues at all! It might just be me who has the particular problem I’m complaining about! (Wouldn’t be the first time…)

Hopefully, this blog is the place to do it, as I’m sure my wife is preparing to leave me, my neighbour won’t come out of the house any more, and I’m barred from travelling on the number 55 bus now (which is ridiculous; at least half of the bus agreed with me that the guy sitting at the back did look stupid with a tattoo on his face…)

So who am I?

I’m a nearly 40 year old man with a wife and two kids, a shit job and a mortgage. As  of this writing I have no allergens that I am aware of.

So, if you want to read what the most average man in the world has to say about random shit, then follow this blog, and hopefully I’ll get it off my chest for you.

Let’s put the world to rights, one whinge at a time.