How to teach Sex Education the RIGHT way…

Happy New Year!

It’s only the 1st day of 2018 and already I’m ready to rant about more liberal nonsense.

Take this little beauty of an article in the Metro by Lifestyle Editor Ellen Scott entitled:

Why you should buy your teenage kids sex toys

Seriously. Go and read it and come back.

I’ll wait.

If, like me, you’re ready to snap your laptop in two, then we’ll begin.

So. The premise of this article, we are told, is not to “buy your son a Fisher Price sex-doll, or your daughter an 8 inch strap-on for her 8th birthday”.

Oh no, that would be crazy…

No, the reason for the article is as “a way to introduce your offspring to the concept of self-pleasure.”

Yes. You heard that right.

She’s suggesting that you buy sex-toys for your teenager

Ok, first of all: it’s a parents job to make sure their kids grow up healthy and safe, with enough food to eat and a roof over their head.

It’s not the job of a parent to sit down with their child and ask if they’d prefer a Pulsating Pussy or a Butt Plug.

lots-of-gifts

Generally, when it comes to discussing sex with your kids, I always find that less is more. The most that me and my parents talked about it was when I came home from school with a pocketful of condoms from Sex Education, to which my Dad warned me:

“Don’t let your sister see those!”

That was it. And the lesson I took from that is: don’t tell kids too much about adult subjects.

They’re called Adult subjects for a reason.

I know it’s the “cool” thing for parents to talk about everything with their kids now; the “no barriers” approach that single parents tend to  take in order to stay relevant to their kids. You know the ones: they’re the parents going through a mid-life crisis post-divorce who begin dressing the same as their kids and actually hanging out as friends and drinking buddies.

“Don’t go with Dad/Mam! Stay with me your Dad/Mam, I’m cool and can relate to you! I’m more like a best-friend than a parent! I’ll let you drink and snort coke with me!”

There’s just certain things that parents and kids don’t talk about in order to have a healthy relationship, and masturbation with sex toys is definitely one of them. Kids know about sex, and parents know their teens masturbate. Let’s just stay oblivious eh?

Can you imagine a single Father having to sit his daughter down and ask her if she wants a sex-toy?

He’d be in prison before he could say “but muh progressive parenting..”

So parents, the only thing I can say to those of you who might be considering offering sex-aids to your kids is: Don’t.

If you really want to help your kids when it comes to sex, do it the old-fashioned way:

Stock up the freezer with plenty of frozen Hot-dogs (a-la “Family Guy”) and occasionally replace the crusty sock that’s stashed under your son’s bed.

And then go about your business. Trust me, the kids will appreciate it more.

RANT OVER

 

 

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Pin your tail on the Donkey

This story is one of the most bizarre and disturbing I have ever come across (see link to report here)

We’ve all heard of someone who tells a story about someone who’s related to someone, who knows someone, who’s heard from their friend, that someone they know once rubbed peanut butter on a “certain place” and let their dog lick it off.

We’ve all heard the tale. Please don’t act like you haven’t.

As weird and as sick as those stories are, (not to mention illegal), they pale in comparison to this one.

The crux of this sordid tale is this – 15 people from a rural village in Morocco have been treated in hospital for Rabies after having sex with an infected donkey.

Yes, you read that right.

But that’s not the strangest part. The age range of these Rabies-infected Donkey-Botherers?

7-15 years old.

Yes, 7-15.

My kids are far from perfect; one thinks he’s a YouTube Gamer-vid star, (even though he doesn’t have a YouTube account) and the other thinks he’s Lightening McQueen. Stick a donkey in front of them and they’re more likely to try and show it how to play Rocket League or Call of Duty rather than shag it.

7 years old? The ones over 13 I can kind of understand; whether they should or not, at least they’ll know what sex is and what it’s purpose is to a certain extent. But the under 13’s? I shudder to think .

The parents of these absolute numbskulls are said to be “ashamed” and “embarrassed” of the incident.

I think that’s the least they should be feeling don’t you?

The poor donkey involved in this ordeal ended up being euthanized in order to prevent the spread of Rabies further. Never mind getting raped by the Moroccan version of the Droogs, the poor animal then got the equivalent of a shovel to the back of the neck for it’s troubles.

So, the next time you’re worrying about the amount of time your kids are spending playing on video games, just be thankful they’re not shagging an animal.

Goodbye for now, I’m off to do some grocery shopping….we keep running out of peanut butter for some reason…

RANT OVER

 

 

Lady in a Pickle

I’m always glad when people realise they’ve been making poor life choices. It gives hope to the normal people out there who pour scorn on the Hipsters who think acting like a sideshow attraction somehow makes you “edgy” or “interesting”.

It doesn’t.

I came across a story about “The Pickle Lady” the other day and, apart from it having an amazing title, it showed that there is still hope out there for some.

The Pickled Lady in question is a Contortionist by the name of Steph Mercury, and, as you might be able to guess from her stage name, squeezes herself into a 2ft jar; sometimes for almost 20 minutes at a time. (I bet it’s lovely inside there after that amount of time….) She performs her act at the “Circus of Horrors”, the modern day version of a Circus that appeals to the Hipster brigade as it “pushes boundaries” and is a little out of left-field. Gone are the Happy Clowns with confetti in their buckets, only to be replaced Pennywise the Clown wannabes and guys shoving serrated blades through their cheeks.

clown

I know, I know, people have been doing weird and wacky stuff in Circuses for a long time, but come on! A jar? Has she never read Ray Bradbury? (By the way if you haven’t you really should – click here) She’s not a bloody Octopus!

It seems the need to perform her Pickled Lady act to the 3/4 length pants wearing masses doesn’t outweigh her need to not be “covered from head to foot in bruises” every night, and frankly, looking like a drowned rat in a leotard.  Thankfully Ms. Mercury has decided to quit living life like a mollusc and has decided to become an “Aerial Artist” instead. And good on her I say; as far as Circus careers go, a Trapeze Artist is a respectable career choice. It’s a throwback to the good old days of the Circus when there wasn’t the need to dismember your body to please the crowd.

Saying that, she’ll probably have to do it with no net, blindfolded, juggling babies, carrying flaming chainsaws to get a reaction out of people these days……

Rant Over