Man avoids jail for sending indecent images of a child “as a joke.”

I like a joke as much as the next person.

I personally think you can make a joke out of pretty much any situation, no matter how harrowing it might be to someone. Comedy allows us to make light of tough situations in order to help people move on from them. It also allows us to ridicule the more extreme and harmful aspects of society, such as Terrorism, in order to stop it from gaining traction and spreading fear. (Charlie Hebdo were good at this before they became “cucked”).

There’s only one subject that I can’t find funny.

I’ll let YOU decide which one of these two situations I just find myself laughing about.

Let’s start with Count Dankula.

He is being charged with a hate-crime. An anti-semitic hate-crime at that. And “what did he do?” I hear you say.

“As a joke”, he decided to prank his girlfriend by teaching her pet Pug to salute whenever it heard the phrase “zieg heil”, and also taught it to act excited whenever it heard the phrase “Gas the Jews?”. The point, he says, was to turn the dog from what his girlfriend calls “the cutest thing ever” into “the least cutest thing ever” which, as he claims (and all non-Nazis would also claim) is a Nazi. After posting the results on YouTube, the Count recieved a HUGE amount of backlash from people acusing him of “normalising Nazi-ism” and “hating Jews”, something he vehemently denies.

Check out this video from Gavin McInnes who interviews Count Dankula about the whole thing, and pay close attention to what he says about how he has been treated since the video was released.

It’s extreme treatment for such a ridiculous reason if you ask me.

For his “crimes” Count Dankula is facing a year in Prison. A year in prison for a victimless act which was plainly a joke and only be seen to be a joke.

Nobody was hurt or traumatised by his video; in fact you could argue that the only people hurt were The Count and his partner, who had to put up with a tonne of abuse from the online community and neighbours alike, all the while being dragged through the mud by the Police and the Justice system.

Hate-Crime my arse.

And now:

Sahil Sharif.

www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/sahil-sharif-indecent-images-child-14142252

This guy’s idea of “a joke” is somewhat different to Count Dankula’s.

According to Chronicle Live Mr.Sharif thought it would be funny to post an indecent video of a child to his friend.

Har-dee har-har.

When caught, he was also found to have another video and an indecent image on his I-pad. When interviewed by the police, Sharif’s reply was:

“I’m not a paedo. They’re just jokey images.”

Peter Doherty, who was defending Sharif, said:

“Mr Sharif doesn’t have an interest in children – there’s no sexual gratification whatsoever.
“He thought they were jokey images. He knows that’s not the case now.”

“Jokey images” of children being sexually assaulted and degraded. Forgive me for saying, but I smell bullshit.

Sahil Sharif ended up getting a 26 week prison term which was suspended for 24 months and ordered to sign the Sex Offenders Register for 10 years.

Whoopty-doo.

 

So, two totally different jokes, two totally different crimes, and potentially, two totally different punishments.

Firstly, ask yourself this:

If one of these two guys deserve to see the inside of a prison cell, which should it be?

If your answer isn’t Sahil Sharif then you have some serious issues.

Who were the victims of Sharif’s “joke”?

That would be the children. The kids who were abused and assaulted in order for peados to get their rocks-off. The physical and psychological damage will be forever; there’s just no way for these poor kids to forget and move on.

The damage is permanent.

Sure, he didn’t make the videos, but he sure as hell shared them with someone. THAT is a crime.

Some might disagree, but for me, the line gets drawn at joking about videos of sexually abused children.

I mean, what was the joke anyway?

“Look at these kids getting sexually abused! LOL”

I just don’t see it.

 

The fact that Count Dankula is being charged with any sort of a crime is a joke in-itself, never mind a Hate crime. However, if he ends up going to prison or receiving anything short of a full pardon and apology, then it will be nothing short of a joke.

An extremely unfunny one.

Oh, and for those of you who say: “You can’t make jokes involving Nazi-ism!”

Take a look at this and tell me you can’t.

RANT OVER

 

 

 

 

 

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My empathy for the Chef who spiked a Vegan

As a former Chef myself, I always find it funny reading stories about Chefs who “exact revenge” on someone.

Especially when that someone is an annoying, self-entitled pain in the arse.

This story came from the RT website which you can view by clicking here.

It tells the tale of Laura Goodman; Chef at the Carlini Restaurant in Shropshire, and how she “spiked” a Vegan with a non-vegan product, and then bragged about it in a series of Facebook posts, one of which was:

“pious, judgemental Vegan has gone to bed still believing she is a Vegan”

According to Goodman, she had spent hours coming up with a Vegan menu with the alleged victim of the “spiking”, after which the same person then ordered a non-vegan meal for herself.

Extremely unnecessary if true isn’t it?

She was simply looking after the other people in her party who were obviously all hard-core Vegans, and who:

“MUST be given only the finest Vegan delicacies, and there CANNOT POSSIBLY be any non-vegan items anywhere near the food at all! I must make you aware of the fact that we are VEGAN and we are saving the World one meal at a time! We MUST be accommodated more than the average customer for the same price that everyone else pays because: WE ARE VEGANS!!!!!!”

“Oh, and I’ll have cheese on mine.”

“But cheese isn’t Vegan?”

“That’s ok, a little bit is fine.”

I know, I know. That was quite a bit of conjecture on my part, but I guarantee that’s pretty much how it would have went.

The amount of times I’ve sat down with clients who have “Dietary issues” who, instead of politely asking for their needs to be accommodated, suddenly grow a huge chip on their shoulder and start DEMANDING things that aren’t even on the Dietary menu that I have provided for them.

“But I don’t WANT that, I want THIS instead! I’m allergic to Gluten and can’t possibly have THIS menu!”

“But those are the Gluten Free options Sir/Madam” I respond (generally through gritted teeth)

To which the client will suddenly remember that they are also allergic to most of the other items on the menu, so I will absolutely HAVE to make the dish they have specified and that is NOT on the menu.

And which normally always contains an item that they earlier claimed to be “allergic” to. (For more insight into my detestation of “allergen” sufferers, see my Post: Gluten free – my arse!)

So, back to Chef Goodman. What did she actually do wrong?

According to another of her Facebook posts she claims to have “spiked a Vegan tonight…”

Her partner and Co-owner has claimed that Goodman simply “mis-spoke” and “had used a poor choice of words”.

Personally I think she was completely annoyed at the customers for messing her about and decided to vent her fury by claiming to have “spiked” them with non-vegan or vegetarian products. I think she was just trying to wind-up some Vegans on Facebook in order to “get back” at the ones who had caused her the stress at work.

Did she really spike them?

Probably not. Chefs are angry, cantankerous and easily offended, however 99% of us wouldn’t actually spike a Vegan.

We’d think about it for sure, but not actually do it.

It remains to be seen if Chef Goodman is part of the 1% however.

I think the moral of this story should be this:

Don’t make claims about “spiking” people, particularly Vegans, when you’re a Chef and own a business. It’s bad for your reputation and that of Chefs everywhere.

Also, don’t annoy a Chef. We understand you have certain dietary needs and we’ll try our best to aid in your pursuit to “save the World one plate at a time”, but stop acting like you’re the most important person ever to grace the globe with your presence.

Nobody cares about your “needs” as much as you do.

 

Well, I’m off now to eat a big, juicy cheeseburger in front of the window of the local Vegan Bistro. I know it’s childish but it’s just too hard to stop myself winding up people who don’t have the energy to chase after me…

 

RANT OVER

 

 

 

 

How to teach Sex Education the RIGHT way…

Happy New Year!

It’s only the 1st day of 2018 and already I’m ready to rant about more liberal nonsense.

Take this little beauty of an article in the Metro by Lifestyle Editor Ellen Scott entitled:

Why you should buy your teenage kids sex toys

Seriously. Go and read it and come back.

I’ll wait.

If, like me, you’re ready to snap your laptop in two, then we’ll begin.

So. The premise of this article, we are told, is not to “buy your son a Fisher Price sex-doll, or your daughter an 8 inch strap-on for her 8th birthday”.

Oh no, that would be crazy…

No, the reason for the article is as “a way to introduce your offspring to the concept of self-pleasure.”

Yes. You heard that right.

She’s suggesting that you buy sex-toys for your teenager

Ok, first of all: it’s a parents job to make sure their kids grow up healthy and safe, with enough food to eat and a roof over their head.

It’s not the job of a parent to sit down with their child and ask if they’d prefer a Pulsating Pussy or a Butt Plug.

lots-of-gifts

Generally, when it comes to discussing sex with your kids, I always find that less is more. The most that me and my parents talked about it was when I came home from school with a pocketful of condoms from Sex Education, to which my Dad warned me:

“Don’t let your sister see those!”

That was it. And the lesson I took from that is: don’t tell kids too much about adult subjects.

They’re called Adult subjects for a reason.

I know it’s the “cool” thing for parents to talk about everything with their kids now; the “no barriers” approach that single parents tend to  take in order to stay relevant to their kids. You know the ones: they’re the parents going through a mid-life crisis post-divorce who begin dressing the same as their kids and actually hanging out as friends and drinking buddies.

“Don’t go with Dad/Mam! Stay with me your Dad/Mam, I’m cool and can relate to you! I’m more like a best-friend than a parent! I’ll let you drink and snort coke with me!”

There’s just certain things that parents and kids don’t talk about in order to have a healthy relationship, and masturbation with sex toys is definitely one of them. Kids know about sex, and parents know their teens masturbate. Let’s just stay oblivious eh?

Can you imagine a single Father having to sit his daughter down and ask her if she wants a sex-toy?

He’d be in prison before he could say “but muh progressive parenting..”

So parents, the only thing I can say to those of you who might be considering offering sex-aids to your kids is: Don’t.

If you really want to help your kids when it comes to sex, do it the old-fashioned way:

Stock up the freezer with plenty of frozen Hot-dogs (a-la “Family Guy”) and occasionally replace the crusty sock that’s stashed under your son’s bed.

And then go about your business. Trust me, the kids will appreciate it more.

RANT OVER

 

 

Hints and Tips for the Middle-aged Traveller

My wife and I take my kids on holiday abroad at least once a year, generally to an All Inclusive Beach resort with slides and pools, in order to let the kids have limitless fun, me have limitless beer, (or at least the option of limitless beer; I don’t allow myself to drink more than one or two in front of my kids because, well, responsibility?) and it allows my wife to feel good about having 6 plates of food from the buffet because her first plate was a salad. When I hear people say that taking kids on holiday is one of the most stressful things you can do, I honestly believe that these people just aren’t doing it properly.

When my children’s Mother and her Husband take them on holiday however, it’s the most stressful time of my life. They’re off enjoying themselves in the sun, leaving me at home to watch the clock while awaiting their return, scouring the News for anything “Terroristy” happening. Before I met my wife, these week-long torture trials were exhausting and lonely; filled with paranoid visions of my kids slipping beside the pool and braining themselves, becoming the next Madeleine McCann, or simply walking in front of a Terrorists bullet/truck/suicide vest.

Horrible, horrible times.

My wife, being the “sensible one” in the relationship, only managed to sit through one year of this obviously self-inflicted torture I was putting myself through and decided that when the kids go away with their Mother the following year, we were going to have our own little break somewhere. Just me and her, visiting cities and places we’d always wanted to see, but couldn’t go to because, well; which 9-year-old kid wants to go to Vatican City?

We were going to go travelling.

Since then, me and the wife have ticked off quite a bit of our Bucket Lists, and learnt a lot about the right way and the wrong way to go travelling, especially at our age.

You see, it’s different travelling when you’re in your teens, or early twenties. You can hop on a plane with barely any money and only a backpack full of tie-dye T-shirts and have a spontaneous, yet amazingly self-enriching time.

When you hit your forties and fifties, you can’t be as carefree and as “like, totally Random” as the young-uns. You need to plan, and you need to know your limits.

So with that in mind, here are some tips for the Middle-aged Traveller from someone who is fast becoming a “dab-hand” at this travelling mallarkey.

1) Leave your guilt and worry at home.

The first time we went away without the kids I felt terrible, and it led to me not being able to relax and enjoy the first couple of days of our trip as much as I should have. “What kind of parent leaves their children whilst trotting the globe?” I asked my wife while crying into my ridiculously over-priced, and to be honest, appallingly tasting Aperol Spritz. What I failed to understand was that I wasn’t leaving my kids; they were busy sunning themselves in Ibiza with their Mother, and that I was on this trip to try to ease my own suffering about them not being with me.

Silly boy.

The fact was, as my wife calmly (through gritted-teeth) told me, was that the kids were never going to be with me during this week anyway, so I may as well enjoy it.

So, if like me, you have kids from a previous relationship and you go on a “Couple’s Vacation” when the kids aren’t scheduled to be with you, then don’t feel guilty. Make the best of a bad situation and enjoy yourself.

If, however, you have kids and simply choose to leave them with family, friends or the Neighbours’ Dog to enable you to placate your wanderlust, then you are disgusting and don’t deserve to have children at all. (I’ll leave it to your interpretation as to whether this is a joke.)

2) Find the nearest Pharmacy

Let’s be honest with each other here. You’re middle-aged, and with that comes certain issues surrounding your health. I don’t want to hear this rubbish about how many miles you cycle a day (no doubt dressed like a wannabe member of the GB Cycling team) or how often you go to Spinning Classes, which, I only recently found out had nothing to do with knitting or sewing. It’s irrelevant. When you hit a certain age, your body slowly begins to wind down and fail you at key times, and being abroad certainly doesn’t help.

Think you can walk for miles on cobble-stone paths and climb hundreds of steps without passing out?

Think you can drink foreign beer and enormously generous servings of spirits and liqueurs without having the hangover from hell?

Think you can still eat rich, spicy food and not follow-through when you fart?

Think again.

The Pharmacy is your friend.

3) Don’t punch the “Lookie-Lookie Men”

We’ve all wanted to do it.

The thing is, I did it.

I’m not immensely proud of it, but at the same time I still believe the guy deserved it. Thankfully, the Venetian Police saw it that way too.

Basically, we’d had 4 days of “Lookie-Lookie Men” trying to sell us their wares; from plastic roses to reduced price tickets to museums, to light-up toys that you shoot into the sky which illuminate most major European cities at night. One guy, obviously sick of being ignored by the throngs of tourists, decided that he was going to stop my wife in her tracks and place a plastic rose across her breasts, citing the old rule “if you touch it you have to buy it”. To be slightly fair to the guy, I think he was aiming to put it in her hands, but ended up with his hand buried deep in cleavage valley. One Bruce Lee style punch to the chest later, and the guy was lying on the floor trying to attract the attention of his fellow “Crap-sellers”, who were starting to move in on our position looking to aid their fallen comrade. If not for the Police, who shooed them all away and told me with a sympathetic yet stern look to “beat it”, I might have ended up at the bottom of the Grand Canal with a dozen plastic roses stuck up my arse.

Remember to keep your cool. Italian Police aren’t normally known for their sympathy towards tourists.

Especially English ones with Football shirts on…

4) Don’t over-do it

Like I said earlier, you’re not as young and fit as you think you are. Being in a different country, and being amongst younger travellers will give you a false sense of your own abilities. Seeing other, younger people enjoying themselves and seeking adventure after adventure, throwing caution to the wind and just “going for it” is the path down which the Middle-aged Traveller will fail.

Spectacularly.

If you want to join the group of sweaty, dirty-haired students on a gap-year at the next table, who invite you to get drunk with them on the local speciality booze, then that’s up to you. (Just so you know; they’ll invite you to either make fun of you, or steal your wallet, and you’ll accept to try to “re-live your youth” and convince your friends back home how cool and hip you now are. You will achieve neither.)

My advice is, don’t do it the night before you plan to climb to the top of Il Duomo in Florence.

Other tourists don’t like stepping over sick in such a tightly enclosed space.

5) Treat your significant other as a Guinea Pig

Most couples usually have one partner who is significantly more adventurous than the other, and that’s fine. If everyone was the same we’d be pretty bored. Don’t get me wrong, you should let go a bit and try new things whenever you travel, but being abroad can really make people let go of their inhibitions; sometimes with disastrous consequences. If you’re the least adventurous one in your pairing, you’ll probably also be the one who doesn’t like spending too much money on things, especially on new things that you might not like. Enjoy yourself by all means, but use your head. Nobody wants to blow their money in the first couple of days. You need some security, right?

Here’s my solution. Oh, and this is for the “Less adventurous” partner to read, so if that’s not you, look away now.

Let your partner indulge their adventurousness. Convince them that they do want to try that drink that you’ve heard so much about, but are too frightened you’re not going to like. Have a taste of theirs, and, if you like it? Get one next time. If you don’t? No harm no foul. If your partner doesn’t like it?

“Oh dear, that’s a shame. Just hold your nose when you drink it, you won’t taste it.”

Money saved and adventures had. That’s a win in my book.

6) Don’t go with other couples

At the very least, couples who are having relationship issues.

This one really is a no-brainer. The last thing you need in a country you’re unfamiliar with is the “troubled couple” kicking off with each other and having to spend the entire time playing Devil’s Advocate. The guys end up going their own way, getting drunk in the middle of Prague and relive their Lad’s Holiday from 1994 by climbing into the Krizig fountain.

The girls on the other hand will be drunk in a wine bar, telling each other how much they hate men while crying on the shoulder of some “friendly locals” who are plying them with more wine.

Ok, maybe the last scenario was slightly over-the-top, but at the very least, both couples will want to do different things spend so long debating where to go first, they end up staying in a Pub all day getting sozzled or end up going their separate ways anyway.

It’s all a bit dramatic for my liking.

So there you are, I’m sure there are more hints and tips out there, but these are what I deem to be the important ones.

So, get yourselves on Groupon (very cheap as long as you live in London) get a holiday booked, remember these pearls of wisdom and you’ll be fine.

Honest.

RANT OVER

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pin your tail on the Donkey

This story is one of the most bizarre and disturbing I have ever come across (see link to report here)

We’ve all heard of someone who tells a story about someone who’s related to someone, who knows someone, who’s heard from their friend, that someone they know once rubbed peanut butter on a “certain place” and let their dog lick it off.

We’ve all heard the tale. Please don’t act like you haven’t.

As weird and as sick as those stories are, (not to mention illegal), they pale in comparison to this one.

The crux of this sordid tale is this – 15 people from a rural village in Morocco have been treated in hospital for Rabies after having sex with an infected donkey.

Yes, you read that right.

But that’s not the strangest part. The age range of these Rabies-infected Donkey-Botherers?

7-15 years old.

Yes, 7-15.

My kids are far from perfect; one thinks he’s a YouTube Gamer-vid star, (even though he doesn’t have a YouTube account) and the other thinks he’s Lightening McQueen. Stick a donkey in front of them and they’re more likely to try and show it how to play Rocket League or Call of Duty rather than shag it.

7 years old? The ones over 13 I can kind of understand; whether they should or not, at least they’ll know what sex is and what it’s purpose is to a certain extent. But the under 13’s? I shudder to think .

The parents of these absolute numbskulls are said to be “ashamed” and “embarrassed” of the incident.

I think that’s the least they should be feeling don’t you?

The poor donkey involved in this ordeal ended up being euthanized in order to prevent the spread of Rabies further. Never mind getting raped by the Moroccan version of the Droogs, the poor animal then got the equivalent of a shovel to the back of the neck for it’s troubles.

So, the next time you’re worrying about the amount of time your kids are spending playing on video games, just be thankful they’re not shagging an animal.

Goodbye for now, I’m off to do some grocery shopping….we keep running out of peanut butter for some reason…

RANT OVER

 

 

Lady in a Pickle

I’m always glad when people realise they’ve been making poor life choices. It gives hope to the normal people out there who pour scorn on the Hipsters who think acting like a sideshow attraction somehow makes you “edgy” or “interesting”.

It doesn’t.

I came across a story about “The Pickle Lady” the other day and, apart from it having an amazing title, it showed that there is still hope out there for some.

The Pickled Lady in question is a Contortionist by the name of Steph Mercury, and, as you might be able to guess from her stage name, squeezes herself into a 2ft jar; sometimes for almost 20 minutes at a time. (I bet it’s lovely inside there after that amount of time….) She performs her act at the “Circus of Horrors”, the modern day version of a Circus that appeals to the Hipster brigade as it “pushes boundaries” and is a little out of left-field. Gone are the Happy Clowns with confetti in their buckets, only to be replaced Pennywise the Clown wannabes and guys shoving serrated blades through their cheeks.

clown

I know, I know, people have been doing weird and wacky stuff in Circuses for a long time, but come on! A jar? Has she never read Ray Bradbury? (By the way if you haven’t you really should – click here) She’s not a bloody Octopus!

It seems the need to perform her Pickled Lady act to the 3/4 length pants wearing masses doesn’t outweigh her need to not be “covered from head to foot in bruises” every night, and frankly, looking like a drowned rat in a leotard.  Thankfully Ms. Mercury has decided to quit living life like a mollusc and has decided to become an “Aerial Artist” instead. And good on her I say; as far as Circus careers go, a Trapeze Artist is a respectable career choice. It’s a throwback to the good old days of the Circus when there wasn’t the need to dismember your body to please the crowd.

Saying that, she’ll probably have to do it with no net, blindfolded, juggling babies, carrying flaming chainsaws to get a reaction out of people these days……

Rant Over